Mania

Being bipolar I am prone to bouts of both depression and mania. Sometimes the mania is the stay awake for 3 weeks kind; other times it is hypomania which is just as difficult but in a different way. But as I observe this latest episode I recognize that during periods of mania I smoke like a fiend. This may be part of the reason for the recent increase in my smoking, which - while the reason is not exactly alluring - is at the very least a bit interesting, at least to me.

Of course, depression also makes me smoke a lot. During those idyllic periods when I am in neither state, I smoke a regular amount, which for me is at least a pack a day and sometimes up to two. Depression and mania/hypomania elevate that range to between 2 and 4, evidently. In other words, mental illness can be very expensive.* 

*adding the caveat that these cigarette numbers are purely based on when I have enough money to smoke such amounts, which is not exactly a daily thing. I do a lot of Craving & Conserving, a twin activity that makes me irritable and despondent about my lot in life. Craving & Conserving happens a fuck of a lot more than I would prefer, but, it is a fact of my life so I deal. 

I guess I should mention:  Anyone can buy me a pack of cigarettes by tossing $6 into the Paypal Cigarette Wishing Well at paypal.me/annievox - something that the Nicotine Gods look upon quite favorably. No pressure - just providing the information. And thank you again to those who have helped me out - you will never fully know the feelings of relief and gratitude I have when that happens so thank you thank you thank you!!

The previous paragraph reminds me that when Doug Stanhope's girlfriend Bingo was in the mental hospital, he asked on his podcast for people to send cigarettes to her there because she had no way to get them. She ended up with a garbage bag full of packs, hundreds. That is dreamy af. What a lucky gal!! Plus I think it's a neat visual and a fun story. Go Killer Termites!