Some cigarettes are just *better* than others. That first smoke after getting high, for example. Pure bliss. And it is a sinister bliss in that it is very short lived. As soon as that cigarette is over my brain and lungs scream for another. My hand feels empty and my mouth aches to purse and draw in that strong thick smoke that will spark that shot of dopamine and then saturate my system with that delicious and oh so addictive nicotine. Just the thought of it makes me crave another cigarette even more. My mouth is actually tingling in anticipation of lighting up.

Sweet fucking relief and simultaneously the buzz of excitement that paradoxically accompanies the calm. In other words I am relaxed and revved up at the same time taking drags from this Marlboro. Red, to be exact. Strong and so good. Deep drags are the best. I like to see how long I can hold them. I am getting pretty good at it. But I can always use more practice.